I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
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strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
what
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”