I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Well, that didn’t work.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.