I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
$3 #books
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
He took my last fry, your honor