I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf