*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Happens to everyone.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Breaking news:
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.