“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.