daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
doing some research
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
taking June’s advice to heart
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.