@primawesome: I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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@simoncholland: My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
@TheAlexP: *drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts* Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you're doing? I'm a sexy fireman, rawr.
@Boleyngirly: My daughter just announced she's SICK of stupid-ass people. I said "Oh darlin, you're gonna feel ill for a long time.. they're everywhere."