I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop