@primawesome: I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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@Chocovania: [Border control] Officer: “You’re not American.” Me: “Deep.” *Officer squints* M: “Fried.” *squints harder* M: “Guns.” "Welcome back, Sir."
@mjkspeaks: [call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
@NicestHippo: *deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl* Oh my goodness was that my...(sexy voice) political science degree