Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
oppen heimer style lol
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good