I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Don’t forget to tip your server
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
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