I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.