can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Anime is real
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Never forget.