I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Cat is stressing him out.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”