I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
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Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!