@DanKCharnley: I'm jealous of turtles because if they don't want to talk to someone, they're like "Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later."
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@_ElvishPresley_: *reads list of assassin targets* "Eggs, milk...what the-" [CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
@ComedicBust: I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
@LostCatDog: He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit piñata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
@STEELERS1972: So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks . Guess who got his yard cut?