I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?