I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know