I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.