Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
From Facebook just now…
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”