I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 馃檨
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 馃槼
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She鈥檚 fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he鈥檒l end up normal.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You鈥pin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh鈥ake honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm鈥at marbles
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Couldn鈥檛 finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I鈥檒l manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Me: I鈥檓 heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don鈥檛 you just say you鈥檙e going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Photographer: Ok, let鈥檚 get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: 岽翅祾岬掅祱 岬愥祾食鈦酷鼎鈦酷祶!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap鈥檔 Crunch for breakfast]: … 矢岬夅禆
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My daughter still doesn鈥檛 understand this math problem even though I鈥檝e explained it in several different frustrated tones.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Someone told me once you can鈥檛 keep complaining about something if you鈥檙e not gonna do anything about it. But I鈥檝e found that you can, pretty easily.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
馃槼
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I have never related to a cat more
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr