I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.