I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Now, where’s the sport in that?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
i can’t wait that long
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene