I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
You Might Also Like
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave