I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*pronounces woah like Noah*