I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.