I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.