I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind