Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
my mom making me talk to relatives
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
how to have an accident 101
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids