I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Jesus Christ lmao
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I’ve been drinking.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio