I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??