Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.