I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)