I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup