I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
🙄😏😂🤣
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???