I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’d love this…lol
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
house sitting!
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.