I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe