i’m laughing very hard in real life
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
c’mon!
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.