@ItsAndyRyan: I'm lazy, but not 'The guy who named blackbirds' lazy.
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@KalvinMacleod: ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
@Reverend_Scott: [Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.
@McSwtrvst: I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don't raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
@Elizasoul80: I'm gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.