“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
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But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
This is not me but this is me
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can