I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot