I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL