I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
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At least he brought enough for everyone
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?