@unravelingfire: I'm like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you're in, everyone is super impressed.
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@Ideal_Victoria: Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating. Wrapping paper: *rips*
@slimmy_shady: Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how'd you know I teach fat kids?!
@TheMichaelRock: Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you'll give birth to half of a baseball team.