I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
my sentiments exactly
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing