I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
technically true but not a great slogan
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?