@ShockTartBionic: I'm like Jason Bourne, only I'm not looking for exits in each room.. I'm looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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@KeetPotato: wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him" doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs" me: "where will i keep my car keys"
@rob5373: I choked on a carrot earlier and all I could think of is that a donut wouldn't have done that to me.
@Smooheed: I'm the kind of girl people don't look twice at Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr... Yep, now he's looking
@EJGomez: [speed dating] *girl sits down* "hi im melan- QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE "wha- CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT