I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
How your email finds me
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Aaaa…CHOO!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…