I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
lol
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Favourite diary entry ever
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*