@AnOrangeSNES: I'm like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin' Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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@KoKeniSasquatch: Dear Grocery store clerk, What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?
@TheCiscoKidder: I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from "Married" to "It's Complicated."
@hippieswordfish: everyone's always asking me 'is your son named after the movie?' and I'm like no idiot Sharknado's 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
@krismuscookie: *With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare* Boss: What are you doing? Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*