@LeonEarlgrey: I'm like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
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@TheThomason: Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
@mommywhines: Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime
@DanMentos: [job interview] “any public speaking experience?” not since the valedictorian speech in high school “very impressive” I yelled 'YOU SUCK'