I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
dream blunt rotation
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I ate everything, including the H.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.