The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Okay me first
describing stardew valley
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Important
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down