Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”