I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Children of the corn 🌽
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now