I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
🙂🙃🥹
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???