WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.