My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
sistine chapel
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.